saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
soo... how was my night?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
