Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He passed out mid-signature
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
