my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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