did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
