Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
