how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I deserve this hangover.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
