my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
