my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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