I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
