He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
