Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
