I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
