fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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