I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
