he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
