My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
