I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Randomize
