I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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