dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
