I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You ruined the universe
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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