We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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