I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
