If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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