She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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