I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
