apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
