His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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