if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You ate ashes out of my bong
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
