I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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