The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
