How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
