and you said cock pushups were impossible
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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