How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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