I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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