I cannot find my penis.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
As shirtless as possible
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
