It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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