my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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