I think my fart just growled at me.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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