my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
