Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
whose parrot is this?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
