what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
