If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
