I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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