please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i now understand why vodka
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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