It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i dont even know how to be here
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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