Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
