Soap is not a condiment
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
