Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
