I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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