the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
