This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
