need another drink. this is the easiest way
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
