we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
