you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
