i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
