Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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