remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
