last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
